Saturday, May 9, 2015

The Controversial Tribbles

Taxonomist (Dustin Pfeiffer)
       Tribbles are a non-intelligent mammal classified in the genus Polygeminus. Native to the planet Iota Geminorum IV, studies show that these furry creatures are born pregnant and use about half of their natural metabolism to reproduce. Each tribble, when provided with sufficient food, has an average litter of ten babies every twelve hours, causing a massive boom in the population in a very short amount of time. The only reason that Iota Geminorum IV wasn't overrun by these creatures is the astounding number of reptilian predators that feast on them. Tribbles were discovered by humans in the early 2150s. When touched, tribbles emit a cooing sound that is known to have a tranquillizing effect on the human nervous system. This effect has made them a very popular pet in human households. However, tribbles are not fond of all touches. Klingons, for example, make tribbles react violently. This response angered the Klingons, leading to the destruction of Iota Geminorum IV, the tribble home planet, in the late 23rd century.

Dr. Red Anolis (Gina Troquato), Herpetologist
       Tribbles are utilized as a high protein food source for the reptiles involved in my experiments. Tribbles are excellent prey items for reptiles since they proliferate at astonishing rates and have no defenses; they are an important fuel source for the booming populations of lizards, snakes, etc. As tribbles only eat and reproduce, and offer no benefit to communities, using them to further scientific experiments is a worthy cause. Ensuring their populations are not exterminated is of the upmost concern.
Klingon General K'Thul (Charles Knoble): 
       These creatures are a disgrace. They live for no greater purpose than to feed their reptilian superiors. It knows this to be true, and doesn't even fight back. Indeed, all this vile creature can do is consume food and reproduce. If I had my way, I would destroy their entire planet, taking the Tribbles as slaves. They may be useful as a source of efficient protein for the Klingon race, the true masters of the galaxy.

Bioterrorist Group TRBL (Tribbles Ready to Banish Lifeforms)(Norberto Sanchez) 
“In Tribbles We Trust” 
       The Tribbles are an incredibly prolific creature and we thought this would be perfect for us, we just had no idea where to attain them legally. Our first fateful encounter with a Tribble vendor happened while docked on Deep Space Station K7. While we discussed new plans on how we could conquer new territories in the space station cantina, a merchant walked around trying to sell Tribbles. Nobody had any idea what they were, including the merchant, so we took advantage of this and purchased as many as we possibly could.

       We start off small by spreading a couple of Tribbles where they will be spotted in the territory we want to conquer. Thanks to the tranquilizing effect on the Human nervous system that their cooing produces, our enemies will be seduced by the Tribbles and take them to their home bases. Once at their bases, the Tribbles will begin to show their prolific nature! It’ll be so grand, we’ll watch from far away as the Tribbles slowly begin to take over the territory and our enemies are forced to retreat! Such a cute but pesky creature that is perfect for dominating new territories. Once the area has been evacuated, we’ll come in and introduce some repitilian predators to take care of the Tribbles, after which we will claim the territory as our own. All hail the glory of the Tribble!

Posted by Norberto Sanchez

1 comment:

  1. As a Tribble Rights Activist and Conservationist, I have something to add:

    The tribble endures some of the worst speciesism of any race in the universe. Their home planet was destroyed by the vengeful Klingons and they are now in need of a home. The poor tribbles have no defense against predation and as such they deserve our complete protection. If we don't save them, who will? Tribbles are an immensely important part of the ecosystem and loss of diversity would negatively impact us all. Their extinction would cause untold devastation on our galaxy. I mean, what else would those reptilians eat for breakfast?? I call for full rights for the tribble! Who is with me! It is only right and just that they are treated equally under our law.